CornNation.com: Press Conference in Lincoln

August 7, 2013
News broke from Lincoln earlier this week about some changes for Huskers football. The media gathered today to see the news unfold. The events are detailed below.


Good morning everyone, and thank you for being here on such short notice. For those of you new to the program, no I am not Tom Osborne’s demon spawn of a son. My name in fact is, Shawn Eichorst, the next man tasked with leading this great program further into the millennium with hopes of growing the Nebraska program and restoring the football program as a perennial contender. Please take a few moments to get over any of your ginger-phobias or write down any of your redhead jokes. And no, I am not a vampire deathly allergic to the sun. However, I will be working to schedule more night games for a completely unrelated reason.  With that out of the way, we have some business to attend to.

Yes some of the rumors are indeed true, Bo Pelini will be stepping down as Nebraska’s Head Coach. He was in no way fired, pressured to resigned, or forced out. He also received no offers to coach any other team. Coach Pelini is doing this of his volition. But what better way to get the situation over with than to hear from the man himself? So without further adieu, here’s Bo Pelini.

Bo wrote: Good morning. Let’s keep this short and simple. I hate goodbyes. Almost as much as I hate crooked, butthurt Big 12 referees.  Over the course of the spring and summer I felt a greater calling. It started with the first day of spring practice when my daughter and I put together the masterpiece of a massive Harlem Shake project with the team. That then rolled into the massive blowout that came from Jack Hoffman’s TD run a couple weeks later. Topping that with my love of cats, I’m taking my talents and furry friends to Hollywood with hopes to strike it big and entertain the masses. The cameras are always on me at every football game already, so why not, right? YOLO. But I promise, I leave this program in good hands. I’ll hand it back to Mr. Eichorst now. I just want to thank Husker nation for their hospitality and support over the years. I’m sure there are a lot of SEC team that wish they could be like Nebraska.  The program is on the upswing. Be excited for these young men.  See you all on the silver screen. Or my blog at  http://kittypelini.tumblr.com/. Deuces.

Eichorst: Thank you for your services Bo, and good luck with your entertainment career and the errrr cats.  At this point in time, I want to dispel some other rumors that were floating about.  To a Mr. Wordfellow out of Des Moines, please go back across the river to that infested meth lab of a state Iowa and worry about your state fair. In response to your question, no Tom Osborne will not be returning to the sidelines for Nebraska. Unless we paint his name or likeness on the field.  The legend is happily enjoying his retirement going to church every day, and fishing when the weather allows. And in response to the second part of your question, I cannot answer that. As AD I have no reason to overstep my responsibilities. Playcalling falls under a coach’s responsibility. So queue the music, and let me introduce your new Head Coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers, Eric Jeanneret.

Coach Jeanneret wrote:Hey, hi, hello there. How is everyone feeling today? This is a bit sudden. But I am happy to be the new head coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Born and raised as a Husker fan, this is a dream come true. In my limited time being a part of the program, I’ve developed an even deeper respect for Pelini and the family environment he’s built here. To ensure a smooth transition, I am keeping the entire staff intact. I also have no connections to other assistants.  I plan to put my stamp on this team though and be more aggressive without fear of second guessing decisions.  We want the Big Ten to react to us and play our game. Nebraska will look to enforce their will on opponents harkening back to the mid-90’s teams that captured titles.

On offense, Coach Beck has a phenomenal, well-oiled machine waiting to explode on the nation. We’re going to keep the spread no-huddle attack as the core of our offense, but also build in some old school power with the Flexbone and traditional I-Formation.  We have T-Magic at QB, so we won't throw much obviously, but I think passing will grow when more natural passers take the snaps.

On defense, Coach Papuchis will still call the shots. But with the evolution of the Big Ten no longer being three yards and a cloud of dust, the unit is going to be growing in its multiplicity like the offense. The Peso is still buried in Coach Bo’s Big 12 gameplans, but the team is expected to increase the number of Linebackers and Safeties on the field to cover the Tight Ends and Receivers of the spread teams like Northwestern and I-LOL-inois.

I don’t have much time for questions as I need to get back to practice and gameplanning for Week 1. Thank you for your time. Go Big Red.

Eichorst: That’s all we have for right now. Thanks for the attendance. Further questions can be directed to our Media Relations team. We look forward to this new season as we settle into our new roles. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! No? It's not? Oh. Toodles then.

lol, awesome write up.